Maybe it’s me..

How do you ever know if what you’re fighting to keep is worth keeping? If you have to try so hard to make yourself happy in the relationship, should you keep trying? What if they were once the only person who could make your day 100% better? If they made you feel so incredible, the happiest you’ve ever been in your whole life? Why does a love so amazing fizz out? 

I ask myself these “what if” questions more and more frequently… Maybe that should be my sign, but I can’t just give up. Four years of being with someone I could see myself marrying, someone who I used to have no doubt would put my happiness before his own, someone who would do anything for me… I used to feel on top of the world with him, and now I’m lucky to feel like I’m on a step stool.. Maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I’m too hard to deal with. Maybe it’s me… I’m hard to deal with, I know that. I’m anxious, I’m stressed, I’m used to getting my way all the time, I have my own problems. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe I’m waiting for a fairytale, that doesn’t exist. I know things aren’t like when we first fell in love, we’re not in high school, we have jobs. But is it really too much to ask for the same in return?  

I do so many little things to try to get him to notice… Never notices a thing. I have a same day surgery tomorrow (my first surgery and one of my biggest fears, not that he would ever know that), and I know he has things on his mind, but instead of getting drunk tonight I thought he would appreciate how nervous I am for the morning but no. He has friends over, drinking some beer, hasn’t even talked to me about my surgery… I made sloppy joes and mac & cheese, hoping he would come home and realize that I made food HE loves even though it’s not one of my top 50 choices, but he didn’t.. It’s in the trash. Maybe I’m just selfish. 

I just wish I had more faith in him being at the hospital with me facing my biggest fear, but I’m a big girl right? I can do it all alone.. 

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